me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
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STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive