you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
You Might Also Like
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth