When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
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A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.