Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.