Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
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Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Breaking news:
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car