Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
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Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
No. YOU-buprofen.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?