It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?