Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
You Might Also Like
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
look at me when i’m typing to you
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Finally
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?