[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
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Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.