respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
You Might Also Like
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?