It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo