hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
You Might Also Like
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed