You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?