Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.