Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
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I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.