So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
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Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me