People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
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If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters