How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
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Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Yes, this is exactly right
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.