I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣