What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
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My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce