If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.