Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.