What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
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I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?