My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
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Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.