“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.