[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
is nasa ok
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare