Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night