all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.