Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.