the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
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BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.