Last-minute gift idea!
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[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away