A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
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Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂