Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
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recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed