It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.