Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
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[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
titanic
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.