*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
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Good point.
This was a bad idea all around
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Traveler’s camo
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.