Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
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I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.