Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Me recordaron éste meme
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Have kids, they said
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror