Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
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Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
they split up moments later
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Lucky for them, they’re cute
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.