Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
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Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
lol
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero