You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
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Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Meow
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.