*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
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I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road