What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
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Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.