1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Remember folks 😂
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Self-cleaning conscience
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie