I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
“you changed” bro i was 15
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.