I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
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I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.