*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
same bro
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.