I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
wtf is an acronym
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview