Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
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“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”