At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
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I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
The Struggle
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA: